Love and Loyalty

What are friends? They're people you hang out with. People who want to see the best version of you. People who correct you when you go wrong and they're people who are by your side through your ups and downs.

I know people like that. I know people who would show up when I give them a call and I know for a fact that they would drop everything they are doing just so they can help me out with whatever I need. These are the few people I will absolutely cherish in my life.

My friend circle is pretty small. Yes, I do hang out with a lot of people but they aren't people I'd take home. But these 8 people I have in my life mean everything to me because they show up, They go through the shit that I go through and most importantly, They're selfless.

I definitely wouldn't wanna sound like Dominic Toretto from Fast and Furious but at this point, These 8 people I have are basically family. Someday I will have them over for dinner along with my parents so that they know who I'm hanging out with and what they'd do to keep me here.

I broke down a while ago after 3 years of bottling everything up. Two months ago to be exact. I never expected them to sit next to me for 2 hours straight trying to comfort me when I was having panic attacks back to back. But, They sat next to me and nothing else was important to them at the moment. It was a relief to know that I had someone with me, These two goofballs, Sitting next to me, Holding my leg so that it would stop shivering. Making me drink water so that I'd calm down.

If both of you are reading this, Just know that I'm very grateful and happy to have you guys in my life.

I love both of you.

Someone I met

 Today was a good day.

Today will be the day I will probably remember for a long time to come.

I was done with everything and was quite literally on the verge of deleting my Instagram and well, Let's just say someone stopped me from doing so. We did text each other for a while. Pretty much the entire day to be honest. The conversation was mostly about our music taste and how we're goofy as hell.

It's funny how music has become something everyone relates to these days. But it has definitely become a good conversation starter.

Let's get back to the topic.

This person gives me hope and after what happened last time, I'm genuinely scared. Should I trust this person I met? Do I want to get hurt again?

Only time will tell.

As long as we look past our differences, I think everything is going to be fine.

Let's just hope that this time, Something good finally happens.

What it could've been

"I was 20. She was 20. Her father had fixed her marriage. She was scared of telling him about me. She abruptly ended the relationship we had. I was not ready. Started drinking. Called her and abused her. Begged her to stay. Roamed around her house just so I could see her. Friends supported me. Cried once, Like, Literally cried a lot and time heals I guess or at least makes us forget things.

I was 27. She was 28. I doubted her loyalty. One day she just confessed to cheating while on call and I was just numb. Emotionally numb. Just could not process it. I did not cry this time. I was pretty lost for a while. Blocked her instantly.

I am alone right now. Don't know what love is. Don't know what a relationship is. Just living. Sometimes solitude feels good. Sometimes I wish to fall in love again so that I can feel for the last time how it is to love someone and to be loved. It's one of my wishes. It's okay if it doesn't come true. But I can wish for it, Right?"

I read this on Reddit. I felt how it would be to be in their place but then this feeling was too familiar. The place where we all would've been at least once in our lives.

Only if it worked out.

Only if they/we made it work given the odds.

Oh, What it could've been.

Running

 People want someone who's got it all figured out.

But, When it comes to them, They run away from it.

Contemplation can be dangerous. It's something that can break hearts and make people numb, The good thing about it is that you never get hurt again. You get used to the pain of losing a person or something that might've meant a lot to you be it an object or anything for that matter. As long as you get hurt enough, You gain the power of being numb and when you're in a place where nothing can hurt you anymore, That's when you know that you're sinking. Sometimes it's okay to cry and let out everything that you've bottled up over a period of time but it's never okay to be in that place for more than it's required.

Being in a place where you don't gain anything from it is considered running from the problems you have in life. It may seem easy for me to say this but when you have something that's stopping you from reaching your goal, It's definitely better to face it head-on than run away from it. That way, We figure out how to deal with problems that are similar in the future if it ever arises.

Everyone needs someone for support. The saying "You've got your own back" is bullshit. It may apply to some people but it's not for everyone.

Don't let it go that deep, Just breathe.

Worst It's ever been

 It's a pretty big deal to move on from someone you had feelings for. In my case, I never move on at all.

Once I'm emotionally invested in someone, They become a big part of my life, Well, Not a big enough part to make them my entire life but yes, A pretty important part of it for sure. I've had to pretty much deal with a lot of things when it came to me getting along with other people given that I'm an introvert but I do put in a lot of effort to make sure I'm out there hanging out with these 7 people whom I call my friends. They have pretty much been there by my side through my ups and downs and I'm grateful for that. Two of my friends with whom I've been friends for almost 17 years know me like the back of their hands which pretty much sums up how our relationship with each other is. 

The twist?

I'm unpredictable. I do what I say and that comes with the guarantee of me actually doing it. I've never shied away from doing stupid things which involve me getting into fights, getting caught drinking while underage, and more of that. I'd never been cautious in my entire life up until I met someone I liked.

For the first time in a very long time, I actually found someone I liked, and let's just say that the feeling was mutual from their side as well.

Let this be the start of my blog.