Saul Goodman (It's all good man)

 I feel weird man.

Being nice to people isn't worth it anymore.

I have constantly been trying to be a better person for myself, and for people I meet, but holy fucking shit, It's like that song that ABBA wrote, The winner takes it all.

In my case, I'm the fucking loser. I'm nice to people, and I'm myself with them, but what does that fucking get me?

NOTHING.

ABSOLUTELY FUCKING NOTHING.

Holy fucking shit.

There's no point to it anymore.

I don’t want sex.

I don’t want to kiss.

I don’t want anything but pure love and man, I’m jealous of people who have found it already and enjoying the fruit it bears.

I am soo jealous that people don’t not understand how it feels in my chest to be that way for years.

Empathy is what I ask for.

I am not perfect.

I am not rich.

I am not tall.

I am not muscular.

I am skinny.

I’m a nerd.

I’m stupid.

I’m slow.

But what I crave for, everyone else has it but me.

This is why I drink alone.

This is why I want to be alone.

The effort I put in.

The reciprocation is not what I expected.

Maybe I'm stupid for expecting things from other people or maybe I'm too blind to see that I'm just not worth it.

I am a broke asshole who will never get what I need, or maybe I'm just too much of an idiot because I'm there.

ALL THE TIME.

But

It's All Good Man.

Grandma

It is pretty rare to find me talking about someone in a way where it completely redefines my character as a person and how people perceive me.

The only person I talk about that way is my grandma. My mum’s mother.

She’s the only grandparent I’ve had.

I find myself thinking about her all the time. After all, she is the one who introduced me to movies, books, languages and art.

She herself knew 10 different languages of which 2 being French and German. She knew ASL (American sign language) and ISL (Indian sign language).

Out of the 300 books that I’ve read that’s in my collection, 250 are hers.

All those hours we spent at Chitrakala Parishath looking at art and attending seminars and watching screenings and then going to different art galleries and shows across the city really brought me up as someone who idolises my grandma.

Present day, I’m a filmmaking student. I see things differently than normal people do and I know that for a fact. My grandma’s influence and what my parents encouraged me to take up as well.

It’s been 9 years since she passed away.

I miss her.

I feel like if she had been here, I would’ve been a much better person.

I feel like I am nothing without her.

She taught me how I can stand up for myself and fight for what is right and what is wrong and for myself.

I’d give anything just to go out with her again and do everything that we used to even if it’s just once.

I really wish she was here to see what I’m doing and how I’ve grown up.