I Wish

I normally try to keep my blog structured but man, I wish I had what other people have which is love.

I have good parents. I make good money. I have good friends yet, I am lonely.

My family and friends know I prefer going out and hanging out by myself but, there’s a difference between being alone and lonely.

One can be alone by themselves and have fun.

One can be lonely and have it slowly eat them up from the inside.

Yes, I do get compliments.

I do get told every now and then that I look good and shit.

What’s the use though?

Looking good won’t amount to anything.

You will always get old.

Making money won’t amount to anything.

Your account will be under the Income Tax Department’s scrutiny.

Making money won’t amount to anything.

You will always lose whatever money you make.

You know what you won’t lose?

LOVE.

Love is something that you’re never going to lose as you will always be loved by somebody.

Your parents are an exception.

Yeah yeah yeah, I know I sound like a pissant and an idiot and someone who’s desperate.

But,

One will never how what love feels like when they’ve never had it.

I’ve never had it.

Well, I’ve been in love before. Once. I know how it is and I am trying to find the same but, with no luck.

I find myself clawing at the walls trying to find love.

My fingernails are broken and the tips of my fingers are bloody.

That is how much I have tried.

Yet, I haven’t found love.

I don’t know if I ever will.

If I die as a lonely person, I want everyone to know.

The ones who paid my bills.

The ones who carried me home when I was drunk.

The ones who supported me no matter what stupid shit I did.

The ones who were always there for me.

I’m grateful for y’all.

I always will be.

Sometimes, when I’m with these 5 people who I call my family, I tend to say, “I’m happy everyone’s here right now”. 

It might sound annoying for everyone around me.

But, y’all have no idea how much it means to me.

That everyone’s together in the present.

Yet, I find myself, clawing my fingers through something that resembles a brick wall trying to find love.