I’m just here

Sometimes, Things don’t go the way you wanted it or planned to.

And that’s alright.

Broken Trust

You decide to trust someone with your feelings and emotions but sometimes things don't pan out the way you expected them to.

I am the kind of person that would rather receive bad news straight from the person it involves than receive it from someone else. A person I know and trust with my life took the time and put in effort to inform me of someone I trust. They told me that they were involved in certain things that would break the bond we had with each other and I was pretty much shocked to listen to them tell me certain things about a person that I had a special bond with.

Sometimes, You start to wonder where you went wrong when you hear such things and sometimes you feel like you were lacking in certain things but you cannot for the sake of it, Figure out where you're lacking. That's pretty much how I felt yesterday when I was listening to them telling me that this person has been getting involved in certain things. I felt confused, Let down, Disappointed, And whatever trust I had with the person just felt like it wasn't there anymore. To put it bluntly, I felt like shit.

When someone you trust your life with and someone you would believe anything that they told you tells you those things about a certain person, There is something that flips inside of you and you start wondering where you went wrong for them to have done such a thing like that. That was me yesterday. A lot of things that I spent time stowing away came flooding back and I found myself in a place where I didn't know how to feel. Everything that I had worked hard to build just came crashing down. I thought about what I should be feeling at that moment but I realised that I was feeling nothing. The only thought that was in my head at that certain point in time was, "Why would someone do that to me when they know what I've been through?".

I am the kind of person who if I ever heard something that would damage the bond between myself and the person I trust, Whatever I've heard will just keep playing over and over and over again in my head like a damaged record. The thought of it never goes away because I've been there multiple times and to go through it again just does not feel good.

I was with Cheeku when I heard the news and he somehow helped me calm down. My anxiety had started peaking and I could not for the sake of it, Figure out what I'd do next. The thought I had in my mind just kept bugging me throughout the entire day and night.

My mentality stability right now, At this moment is entirely fucked up. I need time to process why I don't feel anything about the situation at hand right now but at the same time is somehow affecting my mind.

I probably will never trust them again or believe anything that they say but only time will tell and I kid you not, The person who informed me about it is someone who would never lie to me and they are someone who would rather tell me the bitter truth than the sweet lie and I'm grateful that they are that kind of person.

I am split between things right now.

I do not know what I am supposed to do.

New Beginnings

After two attempts at clearing my math paper, I finally did it on my third attempt. I was pretty much stoked when I got my result, But that's not why I'm here.

I joined a college and got into the course I loved. I've worked as a part-time video editor for two years and now I'm going to be learning things in detail. All this while, I've always learned how to edit videos and photos on YouTube but to be actually learning something you are very interested in and to have certification for it is an entirely different thing and the latter being the part that I am stoked about.

But, There's been a lot that has been going on. I broke up with the person who I was with because of reasons that I do not want to elaborate. I've been going out too much in terms of having fun and it's time to be serious about things. Classes started on the 18th of this month and it's been really good so far. I've met people from different states and they all seem nice, For now at least. I've made a few friends and the teachers are all really nice to us.

The course I've chosen requires a laptop and a camera. I have a laptop but not a camera and I will be getting one pretty soon. I've filtered down my options and have arrived at a conclusion. This will be the first camera I will have owned and I'm excited about it. I went for something that I can use for a long period of time without it becoming obsolete.

I've made a single ballsy decision this year and that's when I trimmed all of my hair. People knew me by the curly hair that I grew out for two years. My mentor had asked me to shorten my hair and I got a really good-looking mullet but while I was sitting there at the barbershop, I thought to myself, Why don't I trim all my hair off? It'll grow back out anyway and all I need to do is wait two years for my hair to grow out to the point where it was back then and that was when I made the most ballsy decision ever. I asked the barber to trim all of my hair and I was pretty satisfied with the result. It didn't exactly feel good but after letting it marinate for a couple of days, I think that a buzz cut suits me well.

I've had a couple of good days this week and I hope it's the same throughout the entire year. I'll be busy for a while now and y'all might get to read very few of my blogs but I'll make sure that there's enough content here for y'all to come back here. After all, It's a blog of my everyday life and whatever things I think about.

Those are the Disturbing Voices In My Head.

Flowers

A flower is considered the most beautiful and vibrant part of a flower. This is the same part of a plant that turns into a fruit that feeds us.

The flower goes through pollination which fertilizes the embryo which in turn develops into a seed and the remaining tissue that surrounds is what becomes the fruit. We all know this back from school where they teach us the entire process of a flower turning into a fruit but what they don't teach us in school is how beautiful the entire process is.

The wilting of the petals, The ovary enlarging and the branch of the plant drooping down without breaking to make up for the weight of the fruit after it has entirely developed. The transformation is very satisfying to watch and it means a lot to a certain individual when that certain individual has been caring for the plant. To see something from being nothing to something is just blissful.

When you take a plant as a whole, It's just one single color, Green. A flower gives it a different shade. It can be pink, Purple, Blue, Or any other color. But a flower sets itself apart from the same boring old monotony. It's as if the flower gave life to something that was dead. It's as if something has been revived. Something that was chained down deep inside but when released, It turns out to be the most beautiful thing ever.

Everyone knows that we would all pick a flower in a garden because it's beautiful. I'd do the same. I'd pick the same flower over and over again because it's beautiful and sets itself apart from the rest. It's not the same as the other flowers or the plants in the garden. The one I'd always pick is unique. It's beautiful and I'd do the same thing over and over and over again because its beauty and uniqueness could never bore me.

This applies to life as well. We don't know anything in the beginning but as we go on, We learn things and we grow, The same as that of a flower. We all start from a tiny bud which then blooms into something that's beautiful.

I say, Pick the flower that makes you happy and keep it with you for as long as you can because that kind of happiness can never be replaced by anything else.

The Templar

If you'd ask my friends what the word "Templar" means, Then they would probably tell you that it's a pub that was previously known as Wyt.

The origin of the word goes back to the 12th century and it's a name given to the secret society that was responsible for the success of the First Crusade. People who like to read history might already know this.

I randomly went out yesterday to Church Street. I never told anyone I'd be there and that was intentional. I just wanted to go there alone and be by myself. So, Since I was there anyway, I thought I'd get a drink or two and headed to Templar (The pub previously known as Wyt). It was unusually empty on a Sunday but I couldn't care less because I wanted to be by myself anyway.

I got a drink and I was sitting out on the balcony where you can smoke. I had walked past the only other two people there at the pub and both of them were girls and appeared to be drinking. I lit up a cigarette and started to sip on the drink I got. It took me around 15 minutes to finish it all because I was drinking slower. I finished the drink and headed out to Airlines. I sat there for a while petting Cheeku and decided that I'd get another drink and so, I walked all the way back to the pub again. By the time I reached it, The desire to have another drink had faded so I went over to the balcony again and lit up a cigarette and that was when one of the girls whom I had walked past came out and told me she liked my hair and it's pretty normal for people to compliment my hair but to have sat down next to me and trying to find out more? That was a first.

Fast forward a 10-minute conversation, Her friend joins us and we start talking about random things and how we have a lot of mutual friends. We spoke for a while and then later we decided to go inside. It was time for me to leave so we exchanged our Instagram profiles and I headed back home. I went back to the parking lot before I got on the metro to have one last cigarette. It relieved me because there were certain moments when the girls and I were talking that became very awkward because one of the girls had dared the other one to kiss me and that would be very very weird but yeah, We didn't kiss and that was pretty much the biggest relief.

I came back home and tried to get some sleep but couldn't. I was aimlessly walking around the house because I had nothing else to do. Then I started rewatching Euphoria because it has great cinematography and the production of the entire series is just beautiful.